Tierney's Mountain
“Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.” ~Deuteronomy 8:2 (NIV)
The Mountain
In 2013, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy that ended in termination of the pregnancy and the removal of my left fallopian tube. In 2015, I experienced another ectopic pregnancy which ended in termination of pregnancy and the removal of my right fallopian tube. At this point, I had no other way of conceiving other than a miraculous miracle or fertility treatment. In 2015, after the second surgery, I started to doubt God. While it was natural for me to love Him and never stop believing, I was very unhappy and did not believe that hopeful circumstances or prayer worked in my favor. I was upset so I didn’t pray or talk to Him much. When thinking of my future, I felt like I didn’t have the means or resources to have a family later in life.
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One day, I just started feeling moved to be closer to God despite my shortcomings and fickle past. I started to go back to church. I joined Elevation University. I began to serve and I opened my heart and my mind back to God! It was almost instant. I gave my life back to Christ and began to have faith and hope and believed in a way I never had before. I prayed every day for divine conception (lol). I prayed every day for an opportunity to get pregnant without having to artificially inseminate. I knew miracles were real…I KNOW miracles are real, but I’m also a realist so I started to do my research about infertility and In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).
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As I got older and my responsibilities grew greater, my desire for a family of my own became very high on my list. I realized that my current job at the time did not cover the IVF process, so I began to look for another job. While searching the first thing that I looked for other than compensation was insurance benefits. I found a new job that covered the IVF process up to 80% (look at God), so I left my job of eight years and started fresh in an unfamiliar position, with people I didn’t know, so that I could possibly start a family in the future. Once insurance was established it was go time. I had to focus, pray, and have faith that God was going to allow me to be a mom. I also wanted to make sure that I was discerning the voice of God from my own wants and dreams.
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My then boyfriend and now husband sold his home so that we could pay for the process. We had a consultation and a better understanding of what our next steps were, what our success rates included, and what we needed to do moving forward. I started the IVF process and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be physically. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), so I had to tack on an additional two weeks to my process which totals an amount of nine weeks. Generally it takes between six and eight weeks from beginning IVF to actually getting a pregnancy confirmation of positive or negative, so it is not a very long process, two months at the most. Mentally, it was a whole different ball game for me. I felt numb after a while because the level of excitement and disappointment that then followed, was extremely overwhelming.
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There were a total of four unsuccessful pregnancies and three rounds of IVF (2 of 3 successful) that I endured during my infertility journey before I got to have my beautiful son. In between those unsuccessful pregnancies I begin to develop anxiety… a crippling sense of anxiety! Circumstances were high for me! I wanted to give my husband a family, I wanted to give his parents a grandchild and I wanted to do it for myself. More than anything I wanted to be a MOM. When you were specifically made to do something and you can’t do it, it breaks you! You feel broken, you feel inadequate and you feel less than. The highs and lows from the hormones, natural thoughts, and feelings were an extreme roller coaster for me. This is just me speaking for me. I’ve seen others go through the IVF process with no issues, but for me being so excited to have an extraordinary opportunity and then having it pulled from you when everything was going wonderfully, totally messed with my logical thought process.
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This is when I started to lean on the Lord heavily. God told me to keep trying. God told me to get a therapist. He told me when to rest. God told me when to forgive myself and be kind to myself. This was the first time in my life where I felt like I clearly heard from the Lord. My anxiety took me to a space that I’ve never seen. The devil was busy because he saw how close I was getting and how my faith was growing. I was afraid to drive. I was afraid to be home alone and that is the complete opposite of who I was. I began to have panic attacks and I was scared all the time. My anxiety manifested into Fear. I wanted to give up and the Lord told me not to. I also felt very strongly from the Lord that I needed to do it the right way, so the day I got married December 28, 2018 is the day that I started my second IVF cycle. I didn’t want to continue to do married things without being married and my husband completely respected how I was feeling. Since we were already engaged it was a very easy decision. If I have faith in the Lord I want Him to also be able to trust in me. It was one of the best decisions that we’ve ever made.
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But low and behold that cycle also ended in miscarriage on my birthday nonetheless. So just imagine how I felt trying to obey and uphold His word, but still be disappointed and left extremely discouraged.
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Adding fuel to the fire, I lost a lot of friends during this process. My assumption is that they did not know how to balance their successes and my losses. Maybe they couldn’t celebrate their triumphs and their successes with me because I was so unsuccessful and sad during it all. Maybe they thought it was better to stop talking to me altogether than pretend. This is only an assumption because I didn’t do anything to them and they didn’t do anything to me. Putting anyone in that situation isn't fair, to me or to them so I wish them the absolute best. My journey wasn’t for everyone to experience and God showed me that light! The friends who remained and the new friends I’ve gained are the friends who I am supposed to have for my lifetime and I am beyond grateful!
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In January 2020, I received yet another positive pregnancy test from my third round of IVF and each appointment continued to be more and more positive. I finally was able to leave the fertility clinic and began to see my own OBGYN and then COVID-19 hit the world. New mom with anxiety during COVID-19, crazy times I tell you. I took it all in and knew nothing could be more important than this baby and this pregnancy. I packed up my desk and began to work from home. I truly believe that the minimal activity, less stress working from home and having to quarantine were vital details that allowed for me to have such a successful pregnancy at such a high risk. God truly blessed me again with an opportunity to successfully carry my baby in an environment where I could relax and not worry and be as stress-free as possible. I had an amazing labor and delivery of 9 lbs. 1 oz. beautiful baby boy.
The Message
That brings me to today, there were times in my life that I strayed away from God and His word, which I will never do again. I have truly witnessed the meaning of “God is always on time!” He has always tapped me on my shoulder, led me to church, put me in a great Bible study group of phenomenal women, used worship songs as therapy, given me beautiful memories, and provided miracles because I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and died on the cross for me and my sins. God is so Good! Never give up! Fear is a Liar! and Don’t be scared you never know what God has in store while you are climbing!!!
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