We all go back to God Part II: My 1st Mother's Day w/o My Mom

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:7

Real MOMent

Sunday, February 5, 2023, some time between 7:30am-8:30am, I prayed the most desperate prayer I had prayed in my entire life as I drove down I-77 South. Although my car was completely silent, my thoughts loudly filled every free space in my mind. One of my girlfriends called after reading my message asking for prayers. I simply replied through text:

“I can’t talk. I just got to get there.”

As I was approaching the hospital exit, my best friend of over 20 years called. I answered, but every attempt I made to talk—I failed. I could hear my heavy breath, but not the words I was desperately trying to speak back to her, as she called my name. When I didn’t respond, she went into her personal prayer place with the Father that I didn’t even know existed for her. “That” prayer brought my voice back to me. I soon joined my dad in the hospital room, as my sweet mother would eventually, unexpectedly take her last breath that afternoon.

Was this a part of God’s plans for her life? Two days before she left this world, she shared with someone that she was having “the best day ever.” Less than 24 hours before she was called to Glory, she talked to several of her friends. Two weeks after her brother, whom she was super close with left this Earth, she followed.

Was it supposed to be that I intentionally left my phone upstairs while having movie night with my kids, so I wouldn’t be distracted and missed the last call my mom would ever make to me the night before? In hindsight this rare decision to have my phone out of sight, saved me from the agony that would have come if I had seen her call come in and purposely decided not to interrupt the movie, thinking I would call her back the next day.

No one, especially my Dad, her husband of 46 years, knew that the next day would not come with the opportunity for a return phone call or a chance to give her a formal, well deserved goodbye.

Was that God’s way of telling us - “She can’t talk. I just got to get her there?”

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MOMent of Clarity

If I am honest, before the death of my mom, in my 40 years of life, I had only recognized the peace and sovereignty of God during life’s mountain, in hindsight. In the past, after the gift of time had been rendered from a bad situation, was I then able to rationalize God’s plans for my life. However, during the days that followed one of the most devastating circumstances my family and I ever experienced, proved to be the first time I could absolutely testify and say that I truly understood and most importantly believed in my soul Philippians 4:7 (And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus). Being brought up in the church, I knew that it was correct for me to “say” and also tell others that during bad times, God is still good in the midst of it all. Yet, the distinction here was that I, without a doubt, experienced it during the beginning of this storm called grief.

God's presence and peace was indescribable and undeniable in the moments that followed her transition. I am so grateful that He knew I needed to completely feel His presence during the month of February, because in March I found myself in a dark space. February’s peace was replaced with random March moments when I could not control my tears (my personal March Madness). Even after many visits to my mother’s grave and time spent staring at the picture in my phone of her lifeless body in the casket, it wasn’t until April that my mind finally accepted that the loss was real.

Once it was mentally real for me, I started creating self-imposed anxiety around Mother’s Day, although at the time, it was a month away. The mere thought of the day would bring me to tears. Why did the first holiday without her have to be Mother’s Day? My two sisters and I would now become a part of the “This Mother’s Day we’re thinking of…” social media picture that I had posted every year for others. This year, others will be posting for me.

Only after a candid conversation with someone who had lost their mom about 10 years ago, did my perspective change. They shared that each Mother’s Day they do something to commemorate their mom. As a true Virgo in every sense of the zodiac sign, I analyzed and sat in deep thought about that concept. Was it too soon for me to even want to do that? And then the voice of the Holy Spirit took over my mind, as I repeatedly heard the instructions to “make it beautiful.” The planner that I am was filled with thoughts of how I could spend Mother’s Day with my children and remember my loving mom and make it beautiful.

God’s grace reminded me that “sometimes” two things can happen at once:

I can stand over my mother’s grave AND yet question whether she is really in there.

I can be strong for my children AND find them to be a source of motivation for my strength.

My heart can be broken due to loss AND my heart can be mended by giving out the love that represents the spirit of the one that is gone.

In February, I could feel God’s presence and peace AND March be deeply saddened and an emotional wreck but still remember the God of my February.

I can not like God’s final say AND still trust that His decision was the best plan for everyone.

I can be grateful for 40 years with my mom AND still wish and would give anything for another 40 minutes with her.

I can accept the fact that my world will never be the same again now that I do not have my mom in it AND use that as a constant, joyful reminder, that WE ALL GO BACK TO GOD and know that she is truly in a better place.

Dedicated to my sisters: Mandi & Aisha

Let’s make it beautiful.

#herdaughters

Picture taken in 2009-2010

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I am PRAISING God for allowing me to see light in darkness. My anxiety around this 1st Mother’s Day without my mom was real. At one point, I saw myself mentally and emotionally battling the thoughts of wanting to spend the day completely alone, but knowing that I needed to be present for my children. While tears for sure will most likely drop here and there this upcoming weekend, I am fully prepared and excited to “make it beautiful.”

Again, I am so glad for God’s grace and allowance for two things to happen at once.

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• Why is it hard at times to recognize and honor God’s plans and decisions in the present vs. hindsight?

• How often have I said repeatedly “God is good at all times” but truly believed in heart in bad times that He is still good?

• How can one see the beauty in a day, while walking in a period of sadness?

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In the blog post, You Will Thank Me Later, ( dedicated to my parents), I wrote "Ultimately, I don’t think I could live with myself leaving them (my children) in this world without knowing Who to turn to or Whose and Whom they were.”

• Be intentional about having discussions with your children about turning to God for any and every situation that they might encounter.

In the blog post, We all go back to God, I mentioned that when my son was around age 4, we utilized Martin Luther King’s life to introduce the concept of death. While at that time, appropriately we talked about God’s children going to Heaven. Fast forward 3 years later, when his Mimi (grandmother) passed, he asked me why she was in the casket and not in Heaven.

• For older children revisit past discussions about death and explain the difference between our physical bodies and our souls.

Break down the popular prayer:

“Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

• While the title of this blog piece includes “We all go back to Heaven,” we understand “all” isn’t technically true. Have the discussion of what is required of us to make it in those pearly gates of Heaven.

• Don’t wait until tomorrow to SHOW and SPEAK gratitude for someone special that God has placed in your life. Tomorrow is not promised to you or them- do it TODAY!

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Dear God,

Thank You for being my peace.

AMEN