Lindsay's Mountain

“You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said."

Luke 1:45 NLT

Mountain

Let’s start off with the pure embarrassment of having a baby on the way with someone who was not ready for a committed relationship with me or his child. This resulted in me spending most of my pregnancy hiding because I didn’t want to answer anyone’s questions especially, where’s the dad?

Welcoming a baby, especially your first child, should be filled with happiness but throughout my pregnancy, I became severely depressed. I didn't want to be around anyone, so I isolated myself. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I wasn’t financially ready to raise a child, but I figured he (the father) would come around. Why did I have to raise a child alone? I’m a good person! Over the years, I had heard stories of “baby daddy drama” but surely God would never do that to me. These were my thoughts even 2.5 years into motherhood. I felt punished by God for making me a single mom but looking back, I just was hurt.

I prayed for a healthy baby, a safe pregnancy, and a smooth delivery.

When I had my daughter, I went from isolating myself to abusing food and alcohol because they made me feel better. Looking back, I know that isn’t the truth. Alcohol and food didn’t make me feel better, but they helped me to escape. Everyone around me thought I was working on being a great mom, but they didn’t see the nights when I could not function as a mom. I had hit rock bottom, and no one around me knew that I felt like this.

When my daughter, Kyrah, was younger I sent her to church with my family. While I wasn’t going, I knew it was a good place for her to be. For months, I repeatedly declined offers to go because there was no way I could go knowing how I felt inside. I would tell my friends and family how they just didn’t understand what it was like to be a single mom. I was mad!

One Sunday, I was making breakfast and doing some cleaning while Kyrah played. I'm not exactly sure why, but I felt moved that particular morning and said “Alexa, play gospel music.” As the music began to play, I heard the words:

“He leads me beside the still waters

He restoreth my soul

When you become a believer

your spirit is made right

And sometimes the soul doesn’t get the notice

it has a hole in it…”

---

Message

Every bit of those words spoke to me, and I instantly started crying.

I had a beautiful daughter but I had felt nothing but embarrassment because there wasn’t a “happily ever after” family. I listened to Le’Andria Johnson sing, “Lord, deliver me, ‘cause all I seem to do is hurt me.” At that moment, I realized that everything I was going through was because my plan wasn't God's plan. I had spent so much time trying to change His plan, and it hurt me every time.

I remember my daughter telling me not to cry as I picked her up. She gives the best hugs–there is always a soft pat on the back like when you do something good. I just hugged her and danced back and forth.

I began to find peace and remember God's promise. This entire time I thought I was being punished. I was so worried about what I felt I needed that I completely disregarded everything and everyone God put in my life to help me be Kyrah’s mom. God didn’t give me the village I was hoping for, He gave me the army that I needed! My army is made up of prayer warriors that love us both, supportive people that help and teach me how to be a good person so I can raise a daughter who loves God so that she can love people properly. The concerns I had early on about how I would financially provide for a child–God has always provided.

Being a mom is hard whether you are single or not. Even if I don't understand His plan for my life, I do trust His plan for my life. I’m a real mom and Christ is real.