Kesha's Mountain

“Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content."

1 Timothy 6:6-8 NLT

Mountain

I can recall the countless nights that I prayed - hand over an empty womb praying that one day it would hold the blessing of a child. I remember the vision board that, among other things, included photos of rings, wedding dresses, and the family that I so longed for. By 2020, I had everything I prayed for, a new husband and a new baby; I was truly excited about what the future held for our family.

In 2020 I experienced the joy of giving birth to my son, the devastation of a global pandemic, and the dissolution of my marriage. I realized that the best version of me as a person and a mother was a single version of me. Walking away from my marriage was the hardest thing that I have ever done. The guilt, the pressure, the impact on my child, and the unknowns of single parenthood felt unbearable.

We celebrated my son’s 1st birthday the following year over Zoom and we had the appearance of a “happy family”. Mom, dad, and toddler, waving to the camera. The truth was that we were both holding onto the secret of our separation. I had to let go of the facade and walk in my truth.

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Message

I prayed for forgiveness. I have always believed that marriage is forever and I struggled with knowing that I broke that covenant. I asked God for peace and understanding.

I sought His guidance. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV). These are verses that I learned as a young child but now fully understand as an adult. I need His light to guide my path as I navigate this new journey. Being a first-time mom is like on the job training (I’m learning as I go), and being a single parent makes it even more challenging. I can’t do this by myself, and I’m not doing this by myself. I have so much peace knowing that God is beside me at every step.

I allowed my village to surround and support me. As an only child, I’m so used to doing things by myself. But I know that God places people in your life for a reason. Whether it’s the cousin I can call for a quick laugh or vent, the friend I can visit when I’m in desperate need of a mommy break, or the family member I can call to pick up my son if I’m working late, my village shows up. I’m thankfully at a place in life where I am able to ask for and receive help.

I went to counseling. Mental and emotional health is essential to my well-being and my ability to be a good mom. I needed to learn how to cope with my situation and take steps towards self-improvement. I know that there’s always an opportunity for improvement.

I took my son to Disney World this year to celebrate his 3rd birthday. After we settled down from the excitement of our first park day, we made our way to Magic Kingdom just in time to see the fireworks. Standing on Main Street with my toddler in my arms as we looked to the sky to watch an incredible fireworks show, I was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude. I thanked God for the honor of being his mommy. I thanked God for the resources to even be standing in that spot. I thanked Him for the special moments and experiences that I get to share with my child. Amidst the magic and whimsy of it all, the missing piece was my son’s dad.

I came back from Orlando with a desire to navigate our co-parenting situation differently. We've really tried to be more intentional about spending time together as a family. I’m confident that one day, as co-parents, we can plan and celebrate big moments together. Although it looks a lot different than what I could have ever anticipated, we are a family. We know that the first and most important priority is our child. Our son is our nexus.

There will likely come a time when my son asks why we chose divorce. The answer is complex, but the lesson is simple - we’re imperfect people who serve a perfect God. He’s there to pick us up when we fall. As parents, God helped us understand the importance of picking up the pieces to put our family back together. With those pieces we recreated a family that looks different. And that’s okay. I have a sense of peace in my circumstance. I’m good, I’ve found contentment. And for that, I’m truly grateful.